Thursday, February 24, 2011

Samples @ Cosco

I am a sucker for a free sample at Cosco.

So much so that the other day before getting out of the car at Cosco my Mom said "What are you doing?"

"Just taking out my retainers incase they have any samples out" I replied.

There was this one time I went into Cosco with my retainers in and left my purse in the car.

Big mistake.

So many samples to try and nowhere to put my retainers.

So now I know to think ahead about these things.

I love a free sample of food or drink.


I'm terrified of the people who give out the samples!

You see...even though I love samples...I'm not actually going to buy what they are selling.

It's my parents membership and I'm not about to come waltzing back to their cart with a 50 gallon jar of chipotle mayo just because the little old lady on aisle 52 said it goes great in anything.

I do however aim to please and I hate letting down the sample makers.

This could be why you might find a 50 gallon jar of chipotle mayo on isle 39.

I ditched it there because I didn't want to leave the sample station empty handed however I knew I wasn't going to buy it so I discretely left it in a different aisle.

Have I mentioned I'm in my late 20's?

I love hitting up a sample station that has tons of people at it.

I know I can get in and get out no questions asked.

But if I find myself at a Cosco on a weekday I know I'm in big trouble.

I try to pump myself up before I reach the small, fold out table.

"Jeannie just grab a sample and walk away. You don't owe this woman anything."

I try to keep my eyes glued to the food but as I get closer I start to morph into another person.

I squint, even though I have perfect vision, at the little sign in front of the sample station.

Then I begin to mutter to myself loud enough for the person working the station to hear.

"BBQ Little Weenies" I say as I put my hands on my hips.

"What will they think of next" I add on to sound legit.

"Would you like to try a sample?" the woman asks.

I then make a face like I really shouldn't, I start to walk away, I turn back around.

"Why not? You only live once!" I say with enthusiasm while the little Jeannie sitting on my shoulder shouts "What are you doing? Who are you right now? You're blowing it!"

I inhale the weenie ooohing and awing better than Bob Wiley eating dinner at Dr. Leo Marvin's house in What About Bob.

I mean its a tasty weenie but this isn't my last meal.
Why am I trying to impress this woman?

She didn't make the weenie she just heated it up.

I'm blinded by the lights of my own performance and press on.

"That was delicious thank you so much." I say and begin to back away.

"You can buy a pack of 300 for just $16.99" She says tapping the box.

"Do you barbecue?" She asks


I lie.

"These little suckers go great at a barbecue" She assures me.

"You got kids?" She asks.


I lie.

"You can microwave these little devils up as a great afternoon snack" She insists.

"Would you like to buy a box?" She asks.

What does she work on commission I start to think?

She is selling to me hard, she must work on commission.

Is there a poster somewhere in Cosco's employee break room that charts who the best sample station seller is?

Do they get bonuses? Pay increases?

All this information is running through my head and I start to panic.

"Ummm you see" I start to stammer.

"Well I'm shopping with my Mom and I better check with her. It's just that's a lot of weenies and I don't think we have the freezer space and we don't even eat meat that much. I mean we do but not all the time. And this would be a big commitment and there are only 4 of us and I just feel like it would be like a food time bomb. Like you better eat it because its going to explode if you don't. Its a race against the clock."

I begin shouting at a woman a few feet away from me.

"Mom...hey Mom did you want this...No...put it back o.k."

The woman I just shouted at is not my actual Mother and looks at me perplexed.

I turn back to the woman at the sample station feeling super guilty.

"I guess she doesn't want them" I say in the saddest voice ever.

The sample lady looks down super disappointed.

I picture the floor manager approaching her after I've left saying "Peggy...I'm afraid we have to let you go."

"I'm sorry" I say and walk away slowly pretending to look really upset.

I keep going pushing my heavy cart down the rows until I hear those magical words again "Would you like to try a free sample?"

I take a deep breath "No thank you, I better....well sure why not?"

1 comment:

John said...

Costco is very, very addicting. I even laughed at the episode of the Bernie and Mac show when Mr. Mac got an obsession of going to Cost Depot and buying tons of food since his kids are eating him out of house and home. As a result, the kids went crazy and wasted everything and made a big mess. So Wanda had to lock up all the remaining food in a toolshed, and she even changed the locks. And then the kids sneak out at night to break into the shed to get the food. But poor Mr. Mac gets trapped inside.